Why the Democrats are wrong and other meanderings

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Location: Metro Phoenix, Arizona, United States

I'm too lazy to type anything about me. Read my blog and I'm sure you'll eventually learn a few things.

Friday, April 28, 2006

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#21 The Boy Who Knew Too Much
Season 5, Episode 20 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Finding the day too beautiful to be kept in school, Bart skips out and plays hooky. After sneaking into the Quimby compound, Bart is the only witness to an altercation between Freddy Quimby (nephew of Mayor Quimby) and a French waiter, and, once the invited guests find the waiter badly injured, only Bart’s testimony can clear Freddy. However, Skinner is desperate to catch Bart for skipping school, so Bart is caught in a dilemma, eventually resolved when he comes forward with the information. Memorable moments include imprisoning the kids, Huck and “Lincon” in Bart’s fantasy, ergonomic chairs, forgery analyzation, good cop-bad cop, Skinner out of touch, Homer and Bart trying to fool each other, doubling, march through the river, spiking the punch, Bart-Bart, giant Rice Krispy treat, heckling Wolfcastle, chowder/chowdah/shao-dair, Chief Wiggum’s chief concern, the newspaper subheadline, chicks on the bench, laundry, telepathic communication, Freddy Quimby on the stand, Homer’s view of getting jury duty, Lionel Hutz, Apu, Lunch Lady Bart, the meaning of “if” and other words, disobedient whale and the director’s cut of the movie thereof, Odd Couple, McGarnigal, swiping everything not bolted down, the uncle never to be spoken of, “illegal and grossly unconstitutional” (though it’s not), what really happened, open-roofed rat trap delivery, and small man Skinner (times two).

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"They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#22 Homer’s Barbershop Quartet
Season 5, Episode 1 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

At a swap meet, Bart and Lisa discover a record album that has Homer’s face in its artwork. Homer goes on to tell the tale of his barbershop quartet. His group had modest local success with members Principal Skinner, Apu, and Chief Wiggum. A talent agent expresses interest, but only if they drop Wiggum (“too Village People”). After replacing him with Barney, they take off and have great international success, especially with Homer’s hit song “Baby on Board” (inspired by those signs hung in car windows). Unfortunately, they fall just as fast as they rose. As a side note, the barbershop group singing is the Dapper Dans, which many of you have probably seen at Disneyland; word is, they appreciate requests for the song. Memorable moments include Mayor Quimby at the swap meet, assorted junk, talent agent, dropping Wiggum, new member auditions, Homer writing music, Wiggum’s attempts to rejoin, naming the group, explaining it “that way” to Marge, the press conference, television, Grammy award category, Homer meeting George Harrison, further Grammy bashing, Marge compensating for Homer’s absence, the Yoko Ono character’s drink order, assorted Beatles jokes, and the fact that Jon Lovitz did an audio commentary for the episode despite having nothing to do with it.

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Thursday, April 27, 2006

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#23 Lisa’s First Word
Season 4, Episode 10 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

I’m a sucker for flashback episodes, in case you couldn’t tell. With the whole family trying to get Maggie to say her first word, Marge tells the story of Lisa’s first word (which for some reason begins prior to even knowing she was pregnant with Lisa). The tale begins in 1983 and Lisa is born during the 1984 Summer Olympics. Bart is very jealous of the attention she gets and tries to get rid of her or find a way to trump her cuteness. Once he hears her say “Bart” as her first word, though, he decides he likes her after all. The show ends with Maggie’s first word (“daddy”). Memorable moments include Bart’s first word, Marge’s intro, house shopping, Homer asking his dad for money, Maggie outsmarting Homer, Homer’s efforts to get Bart to call him daddy, meeting Flanders, pretty much anything involving the 1984 Olympics (including coverage of it and Krusty(burger) bits, among others), trying to wean Bart off the crib, Bart’s new bed, Bart’s efforts to regain the focus of attention (including his efforts to get rid of Lisa), Bart’s newfound love of Lisa, and, of course, Maggie’s first word.

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"Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs -- they suck!"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#24 Trilogy of Error
Season 12, Episode 18 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

The three acts in this episode tell the story of the same day from three different perspectives: Homer’s, Bart’s, and Lisa’s. Homer, trying to steal some brownies that Marge is cutting, has his thumb accidentally severed. Marge calls 911, but Chief Wiggum wants to arrest her, so she ives a fake address, and takes Homer to the hospital. Unfortunately, Homer’s finger insurance does not cover thumbs. He then goes to Dr. Nick’s, but it’s on fire. Lisa is fixing her linguistic robot which Homer damaged and notices that Homer and Marge have suddenly disappeared, leaving her without a ride to work. She gets a ride from Krusty, but it’s to the wrong school. She comes across Marge, who’s waiting for Homer to come out of Moe’s, and decides to give Lisa a ride. While driving, she hits Bart as he comes out of a manhole. Milhouse tells Bart about some illegal fireworks, they set them off, which, among other things, involves setting Dr. Nick’s clinic on fire. They’re caught by the police, who turn them and have them wear wires while visiting the mafia. When Wiggum blows their cover, they flee and Bart emerges from a manhole cover to be hit by a truck driven by Marge. They continue fleeing, get cornered by the mafia, and Marge throws Lisa’s lingual robot at them, which explodes due to their bad grammar, with its head landing outside town next to Homer. The mafia, in an effort to get off the hook from the police, reattach Homer’s thumb and all is well. Memorable moments include escaping breakfast, party robot, thumb severing, train smashing, 911 call, car accident, Dr. Hibbert, Cletus, Blue Man group, sudden appearance of robot head, welding, ride with Krusty, French class, spinning for hours, blowing cover, Marge’s second auto theft, alarm clock, disturbingly comfortable bike ride, setting off fireworks, inflammable means flammable, busted by the cops, wearing a wire, guns of choice, robot throwing and destruction, thumb reattachment, and monkey message.

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

"Just remember: you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting -- quick! Honk at that broad!"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#25 Mayored to the Mob
Season 10, Episode 9 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

The Simpsons take a trip to a sci-fi convention, where both Mayor Quimby and Mark Hamill make an appearance. A nerd riot breaks out after Mark offers to reenact a scene from Star Wars with an audience member, and Homer, who despises nerds, rushes in to save Mark and Quimby, whose own bodyguards are busy cloudwatching. Quimby fires them and hires Homer as his new bodyguard (pending completion of a bodyguarding class, apparently). Homer gets an upclose look at the corruption of the mayor, but is fine with it until he discovers that the corruption includes selling rat milk to the elementary school. He accidentally knocks Quimby out a window during an argument, and only saves him after he agrees to put a stop to the rat milk in schools scandal. Local mafia don Fat Tony vows revenge on the mayor for this, eventually exacting it with a beating at a local dinner theatre while Homer is distracted by another potential assailant. Memorable moments include Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con (the commercial and the convention), bodyguard school, sleeperhold, protection from domestic animals, receiving change, milking room, almost killing and saving the mayor, busting the mafia, dinner theatre, and one last triumphant exit.

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"I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#26 Team Homer
Season 7, Episode 12 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

In an effort to avoid spending time with his family, Homer goes with Moe to a bowling alley. Running into that frustration that we all know known as league night, they form a ragtag team with Apu and Otto. To get the money for the entrance fee, Homer hits up Mr. Burns, who is high on ether at the time. When Burns is reviewing finances in a more mentally fit state, he is outraged, but when confronting Homer, he has a change of heart and joins the team instead (kicking Otto off it). Despite Burns’s horrible play, they manage to win the league championship, at which point Burns steals the trophy and bids them all farewell. Memorable moments include drunken Kennedys – er, I mean, Quimbys, desperation to avoid home life, dirt, forming the team, initial efforts to raise funds, ether-induced hallucinations, opposing teams, cheers, beer, revealing the secret of success to Marge, reviewing financial matters, confrontation, Burns’s “strike”, poor bowling by Burns, leprosy, team shirts, the claw machine, going Tonya Harding on Mr. Burns, change of heart part 2, and hopping the fence.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

Notes on Pitching in the Majors

Tonight, I was watching updates online of the Giants-Mets game, and one of my pet peeves occurred -- they brought in a reliever to pitch to Barry Bonds, and then had him issue an intentional walk (this has nothing to do with Bonds in particular, it's generally annoying, and Bonds is just the batter it seems to happen most often with). Now, I'd understand switching strategies and issuing an intentional walk if the runner on first had stolen second (or advanced to it by some other means), but bringing in a reliever to throw four intentional balls to Bonds makes no sense. If the previous pitcher (usually a starter, and Tom Glavine in this case) has gotten into a situation where an intentional walk to Bonds is warranted, have him issue it. I've even seen games where a pitcher was brought in to intentionally walk Bonds and then was replaced before the next batter -- what did that guy do to get on his manager's bad side? (Usually, the batter following Bonds was pinch-hit for, which explains the yanking of the pitcher, but not why he was brought in to intentionally walk Bonds in the first place.)

While I'm commenting on that, I'll add a note on the official scoring as it relates to pitchers. As those of you who follow baseball know, a pitcher will not be charged for an earned run if an error allowed that run to score (that's an over-simplification, but you get the idea). For some reason, this includes not being charged for earned runs for homeruns they allow following errors when there are two outs in the inning (such as happened with Turnbow on Sunday night, which spurred his remark but did not create this opinion, as it is one I've long held). I strongly disagree with this -- if they give up a homerun, they should be charged the earned run for it, period (though not the other runs scored by it, excepting those that fall under my next point). Also, supposing there are two outs in an inning in which an error occurred; if the pitcher gives up a hit, walks a man, or beans a man, and that man subsequently scores, the pitcher should be charged an earned run for that as well, excepting the case where another error was committed. These seem like common-sense issues to me, but the official rules of Major League Baseball do not seem to agree. Well, I should add a slight caveat -- they don't agree, but they might not disallow what I am proposing, and it might merely be scoring convention; I haven't read the rules in awhile. I know there are some rarely used exceptions when it comes to such things as assigning wins (which is how Chris Ray got one earlier this year, which was helpful to my fantasy team), and there might be when it comes to assigning earned runs. Either way, the way it is conventionally handled, at least, strikes me as wrong.

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“Although kissing you would be like kissing some kind of divine ashtray, that’s not what I had in mind.”

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#27 Black Widower
Season 3, Episode 21 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Selma has a new boyfriend, ex-convict Sideshow Bob. Bart carries a grudge against him, but the rest of the Simpson family takes a forgive-and-forget approach. Bob proposes to Selma, they get married, and go on their honeymoon. Without her sister around, Patty comes over to the Simpson house to watch MacGyver, and Bart realizes that Selma has one hour to live. He manages to get there in time to save her life and send Bob back to jail. Memorable moments include Dinosaurs parody, disturbing possibilities, Homer’s (would-be) revenge desires, daytime Emmy presentation and acceptance speech, Bob charming the Simpson family, Krusty’s telethon, cocktail wienies, MacGyver bashing, Krusty at the reception, Wiggum at the reception, Selma “quitting” smoking, honeymoon video (although, how did the Simpson family get it?), Bob cleaning up, Bob telling Selma he’s going to kill her, Bart’s realization, explosion for the lounge, reveal of Bart, Selma slapping Bob and asking for a “seperation” (not even a divorce), Wiggum, explaining to Homer, explaining it to mom, setting off the explosion, Bob’s parting words, and the gas-filled hallway.

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Saturday, April 22, 2006

"Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?" "Mmhm. They call 'em shakes." "Shakes; you don't know what you're gettin'."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#28 22 Short Films about Springfield
Season 7, Episode 21 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

This was (at least in part) a parody of Pulp Fiction. However, this was more disjointed and had less of an overarching storyline, so I’m going to dispense with the normal plot summary. Also, it served as an inspiration for the Futurama episode 300 Big Boys and was the basis for a Simpsons spin-off pitch. Memorable moments include Apu partying, efforts to get the gum out of Lisa’s hair, Burns and Smithers, all of Dr. Nick, bar tab, Moe hiding behind the glass and flicking the light, Chalmers and Skinner, McDonald’s discussion, Bumblebee Man, traffic incident, Lovejoy’s dog, the Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel song, Cletus calling his mom, Comic Book Guy, van Houtens in Herman’s shop, Nelson’s ha-ha-ing, tall man talking to Nelson and exacting revenge, and Professor Frink.

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Friday, April 21, 2006

"Why don't you invite him over. Turn him from an enemy to a friend. Then when he's not expecting it -- bam! -- the ol' fork in the eye."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#29 Homer’s Enemy
Season 8, Episode 24 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Seeing a moving story on the tv news about Frank Grimes, a man who has struggled through life, but still managed to get a degree in nuclear physics due to his perseverance, Mr. Burns asks Smithers to fetch him to make him his executive vice president. By the time he arrives, Burns has seen another moving story about a dog, and wishes to give him the EVP position instead, leaving Grimes with more of an entry-level position. Grimes meets Homer and is shocked by his incompetence, sloth, and general aptitude for annoyance. After several run-ins with Homer, Grimes tricks him into joining a power plant design contest for children, hoping to make a fool out of him before the entire company. His plan backfires when Homer wins first prize, which drives Grimes insane, resulting in his death by electrocution. Memorable moments include the news story about Grimes, Grimes’s first meeting with Burns, chair spinning, the gang meeting Grimes, Bart’s purchase, hiring Milhouse, lunch stealing, sulfuric acid, Grimes’s second meeting with Burns, Homer’s plan, photos, Grimes’s living situation, factory’s end, Grimes’s plan, Homer leaving work, basement work, the competition, descent into madness, and the funeral.

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

"A rabbi would never exaggerate! A rabbi composes. He creates thoughts. He tells stories that may never have happened. But he does not exaggerate!"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#30 Like Father, Like Clown
Season 3, Episode 6 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Krusty finally makes good on his word to eat dinner with the Simpsons as thanks for Bart (and Lisa) exonerating him and getting him out of prison. The Simpsons learn of Krusty’s Jewish roots, and about his estranged father, Rabbi Krustofsky. Bart and Lisa get to work at reuniting them, but the rabbi proves to be a hard sell, as he feels betrayed by Krusty’s career choice. Eventually, they win him over with a quote by Sammy Davis, Jr., which shows him that entertainers aren’t all bad (although, earlier in the episode, he’d said a jazz singer (as opposed to a clown) would be forgivable, so why it should make a difference is unclear). Memorable moments include ax throwing, scheduling, party line, talking Krusty into doing the dinner, Milhouse showing up, monkey, saying grace, rabbi advice, early Krusty, family photos, time for Milhouse to go home, magazine rack, bus station television, phone calls without dialogue, Itchy and Scratchy, searching for a rabbi, finding the “wrong” rabbi, radio call-in, seeing through the disguise, Izzy’s menu, pop-up book, quoting scripture, guesses for quote origin, Krusty’s entrance, introducing the rabbi, Moe, and the pie.

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

"Oh, that's just drunk talk! Sweet, beautiful drunk talk."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#31 The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson
Season 9, Episode 1 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Moe forces one of his regulars to be a designated driver one night and the lot falls to Barney. After a night of frustration over his inability to drink, he drives the other home in Homer’s car and then disappears. Homer’s car turns up illegally parked at the New York World Trade Center plaza. Despite Homer’s misgivings, the Simpson family travels to New York to retrieve it. While Homer tries to get his car back, the rest of the family does tourist-y stuff. A series of further misfortunes afflict Homer before he gathers the family and takes them away from the city. Memorable moments include choosing lots, drunken fun, Barney’s reappearance, searching for the lost car, Homer’s New York memories, the food cart, tower jokes, MAD magazine, Broadway play, driving off, removing the boot, carriage in the park, retrieving the family, and driving behind a garbage truck.

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Random video links

Funny SNL skit on the White House Press Corps.

Re-enactment of the end of the 1986 World Series using RBI baseball. I actually found the video from two sources at about the same time -- Matt IMed me the link at the same time that I had the Corner up, and I was only a handful of entries away from that posting.

Funny World of Warcraft recording. The description looks like it could have been written by a fellow team member -- I mean, really, "single-handedly kills entire team via his stupidity"? Seems to me they weren't forced into it, plus their number crunch only gave them a "32.33 -- repeating, of course -- percent chance of survival" anyways. But, I like to squabble. Funny for the geekiness of it, plus a few other things.

"'Don't do what Donny Don't does' ... They could have made this clearer."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#32 Boy Scouts ’n the Hood
Season 5, Episode 8 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After finding $20, Bart and Milhouse buy an all-syrup super squishy and go wild on the town (with their $20 stretching amazingly far). When he comes to in the morning, Bart realizes that he joined the Junior Campers (a boy scouts-style organization). Despite wanting to weasel his way out of it, he finds enough benefits to keep him attending. On a father-son rafting trip, Homer manages to cause Flanders, Rod, Bart, and himself to get lost at sea. After a funny interlude, they find an unmanned oil rig with people on it (yes, you read that correctly – unless you didn’t, in which case you should go back and read it again) and are saved. Memorable moments include Noiseland arcade (especially getting kicked out), the two tracks that appear in Songs in the Key of Springfield, advantages to the junior campers, knives (especially the book, Hans Moleman, and Dr. Hibbert), floor pie, Bart asking Homer to the father-son rafting trip, Homer’s joy at being right about their doom, the flare gun, sock washing, and Krusty Burger on the unmanned oil rig.

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Monday, April 17, 2006

"Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#33 Mountain of Madness
Season 8, Episode 12 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Burns decides to add some excitement to the workplace by conducting a fire drill. The outright incompetence of his employees leads him to schedule a teamwork building exercise. The employees, plus the Simpson family (Homer mistakenly believed it was a family retreat) meet at Mt. Useful. Burns announces that the employees will form teams of two and must make it to a cabin located on the snow-covered mountain, and the last team to make it will be fired. Homer is paired with Burns, and they make it to the cabin well ahead of everyone else by using a snowmobile that Burns had hidden on the mountain and engage in pleasant conversation. While in the house, they are trapped by an avalanche, and start getting cabin fever, turning against each other in their madness. while fighting, they cause the propane tank to burst, which propells the house from under the snow, leaving everyone safe and sound. Memorable moments include chipper Burns, drill selection, employee reaction to the fire drill, fight over teamwork, family discussion on teamwork, parking, choosing teammates, cheating, entry to the cabin, sitting, Homer's new technique, avalanches galore, telegraph, Simpson kids "helping" Smithers, corpse-handling gloves and accompanied discussion, the drunk, burning moose, building real people out of snow, hallucination armies, rocket house, Lenny's misfortune, and never wanting to see each other again.

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Sunday, April 16, 2006

"When it comes to catching trout, nothing beats the German light infantry."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#34 Lemon of Troy
Season 6, Episode 24 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After getting a lesson in town pride from Marge, Bart decides to lead a group of boys into Shelbyville to take back the town lemon tree when they discover it’s been stolen. The boys’ fathers come to Shelbyville looking for them and get recruited to the cause when they discover the reason the boys had crossed the town border. Memorable moments include everything Bart passes up to reach the wet cement, Bart’s fantasy, the story of the creation of a rift between Springfield and Shelbyville, Homer’s position on sidewalk defacement, the Isotopes, fishing, the journey to the lemon tree, warring across the border, old man talking, sticking to his words, the interpretation of Marge and Homer, the Shelbyville Daily, parents’ meeting, Country Time lemonade, Bart undercover, Springfield’s discipline problem, Bart’s escape, Shelbyville’s strange similarities, Rocky VII, what it feels like when doves cry, eating the lemon, Homer showering, the Trojan RV, acquiring a taste for meat, insufficient shaking, low clearance, and the stories losers tell.

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Saturday, April 15, 2006

Tax Time Again

Lousy government, taking my money ...

Anyways, just thought I'd point you all to my tax-time post from last year.

Friday, April 14, 2006

"Argh, I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And, er, wound that Mr. Smithers."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#35 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)
Season 6, Episode 25 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Okay, so I fiddled with the rankings just a little to make sure the two episodes appeared side-by-side. Springfield Elementary strikes oil, and everyone associated with the school has big plans for the newfound money. Mr. Burns can’t stand the sight of a nonprofit organization in possession of such wealth, so he manages to tap the oil reserve before the school turns on its pumps, thus claiming legal ownership for himself. The pumping causes a sinkhole under the retirement home, fumes that force the closure of Moe’s Bar, and an initial spurt of oil that destroys Bart’s treehouse, causing minor injuries to him and breaking the hind legs of Santa’s Little Helper. Meanwhile, Homer struggles with Burns’s inability to remember his name. Happy with his success on the oil front, Burns decides to advance his control over the town even further by constructing a machine that will block out the sun, forcing increased energy use. When Smithers stands in his way, Burns fires him. The entire town is angry with him, and many are stroking guns, when he walks into the town meeting discussing what to do about the whole Burns situation. A violent confrontation is avoided inside town hall, but after the meeting, Burns meets with someone offscreen behind the building and he’s shot. The show goes on its summer break with the cliffhanger in a parody of Who Shot J.R.? from Dallas in 1980. Memorable moments include finding Superdude, striking oil, package shipping, metric booby traps, newspapers, the workout, the elevator, funding requests, Burns’s school visit, “Marge’s” idea, stealing candy from a baby, eating chocolates, Oil Appreciation Day, school budget cuts and Willie’s response, thank-you note, Moe’s Bar, Burns revealing his evil plan, melted Homer, Homer driving to the plant, Burns catching a mysterious assailant, Grandpa’s gun, the town hall meeting from mayor’s opening to Krusty’s arrival, throwing out suspects, and Hibbert asking if the mystery can be solved.

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"You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#36 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)
Season 7, Episode 1 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After the summer hiatus, it’s time to find out who shot Mr. Burns, who we find out did not die. Smithers is the prime suspect and he quickly confesses, thus solving the mystery. Memorable moments include Mr. Smithers’s apartment and dream (an homage to Dallas’s Who Shot J.R.? solution), tv news, Simpsons dinner talk, outhouse, pulling down the sunblocker, cartoony supervillainy (not sure if the Dr. Colossus bit is better in there or cut – it’s good, but cutting it and leaving it at that is nice, too), confessional, Dave Shutton, zinging Madonna, zinging Comedy Central, Melvin Van Horn, Dr. Collosus part two, second old geezer, Agatha Christie, interrogations (Tito Puente, Skinner, Groundskeeper Willie, Moe, Grandpa), lack of coffee and crazy dream, the most bizarre periodic table I’ve ever seen, bribery, raiding the house, what they all say, the drive-thru, Dr. Nick’s visit with Burns, offering a reward, Homer’s visit with Burns, the rush to capture a presumably dead Homer, Burns regaining his ability to coherently communicate, and, of course, the solution. Random trivia: Mr. Burns is in room 2F20 at the hospital, which was the production code for the episode. Out the door, across the hall, you see 2F18, which was Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (in which Burns threatened to shoot Bart and Lisa and kill the title dogs).

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

"The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#37 Selma’s Choice
Season 4, Episode 13 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After an aunt dies, Selma starts to feel her biological clock ticking. She tries a dating service, looks into artificial insemination, and more, but all of her searching is fruitless. When Homer becomes too ill to take Bart and Lisa on a planned trip to Duff Gardens theme park (and Marge is occupied with taking care of him), Selma takes them there herself. Their rambunctious behavior leads to something of a change in mind for Selma, and she settles for a pet iguana at show’s end. Memorable moments include the Duff Gardens commercials, the legend of the dog-faced woman, Homer’s dignity at the Buzzing Sign Diner, the counting game, the name of the funeral home, the first eulogy, Homer driven to tears at the funeral, Bart’s trick on Lisa, Lionel Hutz, fast-forwarding, potato chips, Maggie on the act break, Low Expectations Dating Service, “Back to the Loch with you, Nessie,” the fortune teller, the bag boy, Hans Moleman, Lisa knowing more about artificial insemination than Homer, the cover of the brochure (which pictures, among other people, Troy McClure, who becomes her significant other in a later episode), the ham radio, the sandwich, “Duff Gardens, Hurrah!”, the beeramid, rappin’ Abe Lincoln, Yentl, the complaint line, the small world parody, Lisa drinking the water and her ensuing delirium, The Erotic Adventures of Hercules (which they have Troy McClure mention his appearance in in another episode as well), pimply teens, Surly and the other Duff characters, the non-doctor, Homer explaining the toga, and Selma singing to Jub Jub.

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

"It's time for the church picnic." "What? They had a picnic last week." "No, they didn't! You just brought a bucket of chicken to church!"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#38 King of the Hill
Season 9, Episode 23 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After a church picnic shows Homer to be woefully out of shape, he vows to get fit. He finds a new health food, the PowerSauce bar, and starts eating exclusively it. Combined with his new workout regime, he's stronger and fitter than ever before. After PowerSauce's celebrity spokesman, Ranier Wolfcastle, declines to climb the tallest mountain in Springfield as a publicity stunt, Bart volunteers Homer to do it. Homer is making good progress, but when he realizes the sherpas that are guiding him are also carrying him further up the mountain each night while he sleeps, he fires them and decides to continue solo. He reaches a plateau, and realizes he can go no further. Planting his flag there causes the portion of the mountain above the plateau to crumble and fall, though, which puts Homer at the new summit. Memorable moments include the McBain movie and the family conversation involving such, competing picnics, parking, tag, Reverend Lovejoy (parts one and two), egging Homer (and the fact that it was encouraged by his own teammate), Marge's lack of belief in Homer, letting the cat in on the secret, dragging Homer, late-night shopping, all-night gym, initial workout attempts, Homer reveals his newfound strength to his family, eating food in bar form, recruiting a mountain climber, Grandpa's tale, carrying Homer, sherpas going home, hallucination, finding Abe's climbing partner, the mountain comes tumbling down, and Homer's sled.

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Monday, April 10, 2006

"When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#39 Homie the Clown
Season 6, Episode 15 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Due to poor financial management, Krusty opens a clown college to get some more cash. Homer, susceptible to advertising as always, decides to become a clown. He does various clown functions, and is losing his love of the job when he realizes that people will give him free stuff (or discounts) if they think he’s Krusty. The real Krusty, however, continues to waste his money, and becomes indebted to the mob and goes into hiding. The mafia mistakes Homer for Krusty and attempts to kill him. The real Krusty shows up and the mobsters offer not to kill them if they both do a patented Krusty trick, together. Unfortunately, they fail to do it and both are killed, spelling certain doom for the show. No, wait, sorry, they do manage to pull off the stunt and live. Memorable moments include all the ways Krusty lights his cigarettes, the infomercial, Homer looking at billboards, Homer’s clown fantasies, the clown college, the Krusty Burger new burger (the one with ketchup) launch, Ralph Wiggum’s appearance, clown glory, the Globetrotters, the Italian restaurant, speed holes (parts one and two), Homer’s aliases, Krusty showing up and trying to switch places with Homer, and, of course, the performance of Homer and Krusty.

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Sunday, April 09, 2006

"Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things. Uh, the things?"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#40 Homer the Smithers
Season 7, Episode 17 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After Smithers seems a tad too stressed on the job, Mr. Burns orders him to take a vacation. Wanting to ensure that his replacement will have Mr. Burns desperate to have him back, Smithers picks Homer to fill that role. After constant abuse at the hands of Burns, Homer snaps and punches him. Burns, fearing Homer and without Smithers around, learns to become self-reliant. He thanks Homer for the lesson and fires Smithers upon his return, as he no longer required a personal assistant. Smithers has poor luck trying to find another job, and Homer feels bad for him, so he tries to help him get his job back. After the plan goes awry, Homer and Smithers fight in Burns’s office, eventually knocking the old man out the third-story window, which leads to Smithers’s rehire as Burns once again requires personal assistance. Memorable moments include Burns at the drag races, Lenny trying to talk to Burns, Homer making breakfast, the fight, Homer as Mrs. Burns, Smithers as a drag race announcer, Burns operating the telephone, Burns abusing Homer, phone messages, Burns driving, Homer running home, Homer at show’s end, and assorted Burnsisms.

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Saturday, April 08, 2006

"Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song. I HATE when people do that!"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#41 Homer and Apu
Season 5, Episode 13 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After getting sick (twice) from eating spoiled meat from the Kwik-e Mart, Homer goes to the tv news to expose the unhealthy practices there. The report gets Apu fired (more for getting caught than for what he did). Apu decides that he has wronged Homer, and goes to be his servant to repay his debt. Apu eventually gets his job back when he returned to the Kwik-e Mart and took a bullet for the clerk. Memorable moments include “Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie,” Homer’s love of spoiled meat, the ordinary van (I love that part so very much that I even talked to a friend in high school about getting our own ordinary van; if you think that’s lame, well, then I guess I’m just a big lame), the hat, Homer’s Karmic retort, Homer’s early reaction to Apu trying to serve him, Who Needs the Kwik-e Mart and its immediate aftermath, Barney talking to the syrup lady, Grandpa’s meandering story, Homer and Apu’s trip including Homer ruining the whole thing and the tie-in to the traditional sign of apology, the final scene with the hugging of Apu (while scenes like that are usually a sign that the show was running short, in this case the show actually had a couple minutes worth of material cut), Apu as a hummingbird, and the “do not accept checks from these people” list.

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Friday, April 07, 2006

"You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#42 Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Season 6, Episode 10 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Homer and Marge are having a problem with their sex life. After trying several other options, Grandpa gives Homer the Simpson revitalizing tonic, which works instant wonders. Marge encourages Homer to go into business with his dad and sell the tonic, which he thinks will be a great way to get rich quick despite the fact that they sell the tonic for $1 a bottle. During an argument on the road, Abe tells Homer that he was an accident and only resulted because Abe had taken the tonic 38 years ago. Homer then decides to cut his dad out of his life. Unknown to each other, they both end up at the old Simpson farmhouse, contemplating their relationship, with Homer realizing that Abraham wasn’t as bad a father as he thought, and Grampa realizing that he’s been too hard on Homer, and a happy ending ensues, aside form the small matter of the farmhouse burning down. Memorable moments include Bart on the roof, Paul Harvey, further mishaps of Homer and Marge, Al Gore, Grandpa discovering the problem, the stock footage festival, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson in charge, the towns to visit, the getaway, the kids’ theories, the farmhouse falling apart and later burning, Radiation King, flower delivery, and Homer’s over-parenting.

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Monday, April 03, 2006

"[W]hat would happen if E.T. and Mr. T had a baby? ... I think he'd sound a little something like this: 'I pity the fool who doesn't phone home.'"

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#43 Homer Badman
Season 6, Episode 9 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

After going to a candy convention (and smuggling out copious amounts of candy), Homer drives the babysitter home and discovers a gummi stuck to the seat of her pants. He grabs it, but she interprets it as a grab at her butt and accuses him of sexual harassment. The media blows everything out of proportion, disregarding any need for evidence and other such faults of today’s media. Homer is eventually exonerated when it turns out that Groundskeeper Willie has video footage of the event. Memorable moments include Homer opening candy, non-marshmallow cereal pieces, lips, Mr. Goodbar, celery, gummi talk, the escape from the candy convention, Homer’s initial reaction to the charges, Homer exposed, the protesters following Homer to work, the improv, Homer calling out to God, 49-starred flag, old-timey bikes, life under the sea, and, most of all, the send-up of the news media (exaggerations, distortions, wild theories, a complete disregard for substance, et cetera; I’m including the talk shows and made-for-tv-movie in this).

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

Baseball predictions

It's time for the second annual installment of my preseason baseball predictions. Go here for last year's predictions (yes, several were bad). Once again, expect a bunch of oddball predictions. I think, at least -- I haven't decided what I'm predicting yet.

Well, the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, and the White Sox won it last year, so this is the Cubs year, right? Tony Gwynn thinks so. I hope so. However, I won't predict it for them -- gotta worry about jinxing them or anything. If their pitchers are healthy most of the year, and at playoff time, it sure could be their year, though.

This year, I'm actually going to predict winners in each division and the wild card, rather than the haphazard guesses of last year (if you want "expert" picks, ESPN writers have their picks compiled here).
AL East: Yankees
AL Central: White Sox
AL West: Angels
AL Wild Card: Twins

NL East: Phillies
NL Central: Cardinals
NL West: Giants
NL Wild Card: Cubs

Each year I pick that the Braves won't win their division. Each year, they win it. I figure if I stick with the same prediction, I'll be right eventually. I started following baseball in 1991, which happened to be the year they started winning, so since I started following baseball, I've never seen the Braves lose their division; 1994 likely would have seen them fail, but he strike ended that.

National League Rookie of the year: Matt Cain (starting pitcher, Giants). I usually don't follow prospects, but I started hearing about this guy in 2004, and he was great in limited action last year. I can see him going for 15 wins this year, and that sounds like ROY material to me.

Barry Bonds: I'll predict that he'll play in around 130 games this year, putting up similar numbers to what he has in recent years (2005 excepted; in 2003, he played in exactly 130 games, so that might be a good benchmark). He'll sit out almost all day games after night games, and assorted other games again. Of course, my predictions for the Giants and Matt Cain depend a good deal on Bonds -- without a decent amount of Bonds, the Giants almost certainly won't win the division, and Cain will have trouble reaching 15 wins without Bonds supporting him.

Strikeouts: five players will pass Babe Ruth on the alltime list. I predicted the number who would pass him last year, and decided to make it an annual thing. For those wondering why I would predict such an odd thing, I offer up two reasons: first, I have a rather odd interest in strikeouts by hitters to begin with; second, every so often you'll hear that Babe Ruth was a great homerun hitter, but he struck out a lot, too. While Ruth did strike out a lot for his time, and did lead the majors in strikeouts four times (still tied for most times leading the majors), and ended his career as the career strikeouts leader (which had something to due with his longevity as well), by today's standards, he didn't strike out all that much, he never struck out 100 times in a season, and he's regularly being passed on the career list for most strikeouts (and lost the record many years ago). His homeruns, however, would still place him among the best in the game (also, he lead the majors in that category eleven times, which makes the four times leading the league in strikeouts rather paltry in comparison).

Hit by Pitch: Craig Biggio will set the career mark for most times getting beaned. For those of you thinking he already had it, what he has is the modern record. His 274 HBP is short of Hughie Jennings's 287 (Jennings was a rookie in 1891 and played through 1903, with a few random appearances in 1907, 1909, 1912, and 1918 (though he was not beaned in those later years)). As he's been beaned more than 13 times in ten of the last eleven seasons, this is a rather safe prediction, really made more for trivia purposes than going out on a limb. As an aside, Jason Kendall has only played ten seasons and already has been beaned 197 times, so Biggio might not hold the record for as long as Jennings has.

Pedro Martinez really made my prediction about him look bad last season. Just for kicks, I'll predict against him again; that his ERA will jump by at least half a run.

The Blue Jays: I see them having a winning season this time, but falling short of the playoffs (obviously, as I already listed my playoff predictions) as all their big pick-ups were of the overhyped variety. The other day, I saw something that said (very loose quote): "B.J. Ryan: Trevor Hoffman or Bobby Thigpen?" -- I'm going with Bobby Thigpen (which is to say, one amazing season, but won't be a consistent top-of-the-line closer).

Jimmie Rollins has an amazing 36-game hit streak entering the season. Much ink has been used talking about it. The story dies fast as he goes hitless in a game during the first week of the season.

Also, last year I complained about the way opening day(s) was set up. I find this year's schedule somewhat less annoying, but still annoying. Off days do not belong in the middle of a series.

As for any predictions on how my fantasy team will turn out, my high hope is for a finish in the top third, I'll consider it a failing if I finish in the bottom third, and my more realistic expectation is a middle third (the league has nine teams, for those wondering). It shall be primarily a season of experimentation and next year I shall go for domination.

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"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#44 Sideshow Bob Roberts
Season 6, Episode 5 (Guide form the Simpsons Archive)


Sideshow Bob manages to orchestrate a grassroots campaign to get out of jail and catapulted into the Republican nominee for mayor by using a talk radio host. He manages to defeat Quimby by a landslide, but the Simpson kids are suspicious. After investigating, they discover that the dead had voted for Bob, which lead to his amazingly lopsided victory (that’s another difference between the Simpsons and real life – in real life, the dead vote Democrat). They expose his fraud and send him back to jail, with Quimby returning to his old job (although the episode does not specifically say as much). Memorable moments include Lenny’s and Carl’s reactions to Birch Barlow, the fireworks, Homer not getting Sideshow Bob, St. Elmo’s Fire, Dr. Demento, Gripe at the Mayor Night, Bart’s objection to free elections in South Africa, spinning newspapers, Quimby blowing, Moe’s rise to action, the water cooler and the human touch, lowest common denominator, stuck-up Riverdale punks, the Quimby commercial paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee, the mummy’s mystical journey, Bob visiting old people, the Sideshow Bob commercial, extra drousy formula, Les Winen, budget question, people voting, Bob’s victory speech, the rapture, Grandpa’s sympathy for his son’s family, the special request of the mayor’s office re: Bart, the Flintstone phone, voting records, the parking garage (especially its name), Homer breaking up the scene, the Big Bopper, Lionel Hutz, Bob’s truth rant and confession, the arrest of Bob, and rowing.

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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Fantasy Baseball

I participated in my first fantasy baseball draft the other day. Well, half of it anyways -- I had to leave after the tenth round (of twenty-one). For some bizarre reason, I drafted four Phillies players (Bobby Abreu, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Tom Gordon). Each was a reasonable choice at the time, but still, four Phillies? What was I thinking? Also of interest from the first ten rounds, Josh drafted four first-base eligible players; two could be used at other fielding positions and there is a utility spot in the league, so he can start all four, but, again, interesting. My draft was completed by Levi, who made a few picks who get the Dan seal of quality (drafting the one player I told him to (Matt Cain) was good; Reggie Sanders, Clint Barmes, and Michael Barrett were all acceptable and he added some good starters, but I neglected to tell him that I wanted an additional reliever. My fault, but I'm looking to fix that. We'll see how this all goes; I've had some experience with salary cap fantasy baseball as presented on mlb.com, but none with rotisserie leagues, so I'm just shooting for some decent finish in the league, not embarrass myself and the like.

In other baseball news, I plan to post my various predictions for the upcoming season soon, probably tomorrow.

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"Maybe it's the saltwater in my veins, or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've taken a real shine to you."

Simpsons Top 100 Countdown
#45 Simpson Tide
Season 9, Episode 19 (Guide from the Simpsons Archive)

Fired from the plant for, well, being himself, Homer is in need of new employment when a commercial for the naval reserve catches his attention. Upon hearing his plans, Barney, Moe, and Apu join up as well. Following the expected boot camp gags, Homer ships out for war games on a nuclear submarine. He manages to get on the good side of his commanding officer, who decides to briefly leave him in command of the sub. When the CO is jettisoned, Homer assumes control on a more permanent basis. Unfortunately, some of the navigation equipment is damaged in a scuffle with another sub and when Homer’s sub doesn’t return to port, the worst is presumed about his intentions. After surrendering the sub, he’s given a dishonorable discharge (which was the best they could hope for) and seems to have mysteriously regained his job at the power plant by the next episode. Memorable moments include Homer’s dream, Homer’s excuse to Burns, the naval reserve commercial, continuing writers’ confusion over the nature of Lisa’s character (she goes from being “sorta” proud of him to morally opposed to everything his new job stands for), boot camp antics (“I like you”), graduation, conformist rebellion, war game speech, the sea chantey, Homer dining with the officers, firing officers, Mr. Moe, Admiral Stupid, trapped by aircraft carriers, and court martial.

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